I’ll admit it: I’m not, by any means, a relationship guru. Most of my “relationships” in the romantic sense have been confusing and unclear, or I was quite young when I had them—including first grade! However, I have also experienced great love and I care about a lot of people quickly. I’ve learned a lot in love. I’ve hurt a lot in love. And I don’t want you to hurt in those ways. Here are 15 truths I want you to know and live into throughout your dating life.
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1. Your worth is not dependent on how much attention you’re given.
I’ve noticed in relationships that I need a lot of attention. I need external validation that I’m nice to be around and I value quality time. However, not everyone else is this way. In college, I dated people who either didn’t want the same things I did or were too scared to give it their all. Either way, I had to learn that this is nothing personal. We are worthy and valuable regardless if the person we’re dating does or doesn’t want to hang out consistently.
2. Don’t let yourself be breadcrumbed — you’re worth the whole loaf.
I wrote an article a couple years ago about this. “Breadcrumbing” is when someone gives you attention and love only when you begin to pull away. It starts an awful cycle of not getting what you deserve and then being tricked into thinking maybe you are getting it after all, just to keep you in that relationship, holding on by a thread when you deserve a whole scarf. If you’re being breadcrumbed, I encourage you to stop eating the crumbs and go find a whole loaf.
3. Know both of your love languages.
You may have heard of the five love languages: physical touch, gifts, words of affirmation, quality time and acts of service. Often, we get so caught up in what our love language is — both how we give it and receive it — that we can forget the better ways to show our love for our partner in order for them to receive it best, and that conversely, maybe our partner is giving us love we haven’t noticed as strongly as we could have. By both of you knowing both of your love languages, you can love each other well and feel more loved in return. That understanding will stop your love languages from hurting your relationships. To learn your love language, you can take different versions of the love language quiz here.
4. You are whole regardless of your relationship status.
Society places such a big emphasis on someone’s relationship status. So many people feel the need to have a partner to be fully happy, and if they don’t, much of their time is spent longing for it. People in relationships are idolized and people not in relationships feel like they are or are seen as lesser. However, this is not the case. You are whole and amazing and can have a great life with or without a partner. Try to find a “home” wherever you are, and within yourself.
5. Know you are worth someone great, and don’t take any less.
As someone who struggled a lot with being single, I know what it’s like to put up with less than I deserve just to have someone. But in the end, I realized in that relationship I was unhappy more than I was happy, and I wasn’t aware of how much I was worth. I think of the quote from “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” when the main character’s teacher says, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” I want you to know that you deserve better love than you realize and give yourself credit for.
6. Validate any triggers that arise and take care of yourself accordingly.
It’s important to know, communicate, and attend to your triggers. For example, when people start yelling and are outwardly mad, I shut down. I don’t want to talk or move for fear I’ll be on the receiving end of that anger. While I know this is a trigger of mine personally, I can still validate that it’s an issue needing discussion and an issue I should take care of myself over. If you find yourself in this situation, take some deep breaths, go for a walk, talk to someone or do whatever helps you.
7. Don’t give too much or too little of yourself.
Some people in relationships — like me — give a little too much. I put others’ needs before myself often, working myself up in anxiety and not thinking of my own needs. I don’t know how to say no. Certain others are too “cool” or scared to give any of themselves and miss out on a relationship’s potential. Don’t fall into either of these traps. Take care of yourself, but also take a leap of faith.
8. Listen to what others are saying.
Your friends and family have your best interest at heart. If they’re concerned about the behaviors of the person you’re dating, maybe reconsider. Would you encourage one of your loved ones to be in a relationship similar to the one you’re in?
9. It’s probably not about you.
Relationships can start and end in many ways. Ghosting has become especially common recently, in which people will randomly and completely stop talking to another person. It’s important to learn that someone ghosting you or not wanting to be with you is likely not about you. People have a lot going on in their lives and are dealing with their own issues, and they may not have adequate space for you. While this can be confusing and upsetting, know that you’re being saved from a worse heartbreak.
10. Learn to be unfazed by the people who don’t love you.
Olivia Gatwood wrote and performed an amazing slam poem in which she talks about learning how to be unfazed by the men who don’t love her. I want you to know that you will be okay without people who don’t care about you. Them not wanting you right now doesn’t make you any less of an amazing person. Enjoy the beauty of life you can find out in the world and within yourself.
11. Be an independent person outside of the relationship.
It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of a relationship and want to spend all your time with that person. However, it’s important to keep up with your other relationships, roles and hobbies. You are a whole person outside of the relationship, and maintaining other aspects of your life will benefit not only your mental health but your dating relationship as well. You will feel less dependent and get necessary breaks to ensure a happy relationship and life.
12. Trust and enjoy the love you’re receiving without fighting it.
After dealing with unhealthy relationships and an insecure attachment style, I know it can be hard to trust that people love you and want to be with you. However, I want to encourage you to trust the green flags. Accept good, healthy love. When honest people say they want to be with you, believe them and enjoy the happiness you two can share.
13. Know the signs of “paperclipping,” and don’t let anyone do them to you.
“Paperclipping” is when an ex reaches back out to you, but only to feel better about themselves. They may continually talk to you then ghost you again. Try to be aware of when this is happening to you, and don’t respond to your ex when you see these signs.
14. Know that you play a role in how others treat you, and at the same time, how people treat you is also somewhat out of your control.
My therapist once said “We teach others how to treat us” and I really heard her. When we continue to reinforce negative behaviors — like “paperclipping” — we show that we’re okay with and will allow that kind of behavior, that we’ll let the person get away with it. But at the same time, it’s important to not victim-blame ourselves or others. It’s important to understand the power dynamics and danger in domestic violence, for example, that keep people from being able to leave their abuser.
15. Don’t let others’ mistreatment of you stop you from loving yourself.
I once talked to a guy I thought was next to perfect. However, he began to not text me as much, and I found out later he either had a girlfriend at that time or had one soon after. This experience taught me to not take breakups of any kind personally or feel like I’m unworthy of love. I learned to love myself and not put up with his behavior and the negative ways he made me feel.
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Believe me, this is a journey. This is undoing the tangled webs of trauma; this is pushing back against society’s judgments to really know what it means to not only love yourself, but to love yourself well. Be patient, understanding and compassionate with yourself. Know you deserve joyful, healthy love, and fight the voices that say otherwise. Happy relationships both with others and yourself are on the way.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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The post 15 Truths I Want You to Know in Every Dating Relationship appeared first on The Good Men Project.